1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,420 -(WOMAN SCREAMING ON TV) -(SCARY MOVIE MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:08,300 Ooh. 3 00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:09,843 Scary movie. 4 00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:12,596 I hate scary movies. Why are we watching this? 5 00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,598 We're not watching this, Jess. 6 00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:16,391 We're watching it. 7 00:00:16,808 --> 00:00:19,436 -(SCARY MOVIE MUSIC CONTINUES) -(WOMAN CONTINUES SCREAMING) 8 00:00:19,937 --> 00:00:20,938 (GROANS) 9 00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:31,532 So fun, hanging with the dudes, eating ice cream, watching scary movies. 10 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,992 (DEEP VOICE) We're not scared, we're dudes. 11 00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:35,160 Shh! 12 00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,413 (WOMAN GRUNTING AND SCREAMING ON TV) 13 00:00:39,081 --> 00:00:40,958 (WHISPERING) You know what we should watch? 14 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,417 Have you guys ever seen Fame? 15 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:46,046 It's about a group of dreamers with talent to spare, 16 00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:50,133 taking New York City by storm, one dance number at a time. 17 00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:52,511 -The cafeteria, the street... -(SCREAMING INTENSIFIES) 18 00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,054 Oh! (GROANS) 19 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:57,057 That's so much blood. It's spurting! 20 00:00:57,474 --> 00:00:59,101 Mmm, that was good. 21 00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:02,271 That guy's gonna blow himself up. 22 00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:03,564 (SINGSONGY) Wah, wah. 23 00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:05,148 Why would that guy blow himself up? 24 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,775 (EXPLOSION ON TV) 25 00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:09,653 Sorry. I saw it in the theater. 26 00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:11,905 You know what else we should watch? 27 00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:13,240 An American Tail. 28 00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:16,118 It's about a little Jewish mouse with a great big heart and a... 29 00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:18,078 -All right. -Wait. 30 00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:19,454 Where are you guys going? 31 00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:25,210 (SINGING) Hey, girl, whatcha doing? 32 00:01:25,294 --> 00:01:30,465 Hey, girl, where you going? 33 00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:31,633 Who's that girl? 34 00:01:31,717 --> 00:01:33,051 Who's that girl? 35 00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:34,553 Who's that girl? 36 00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:37,055 -Who's that girl? -It's Jess! 37 00:01:42,561 --> 00:01:44,980 -Do you know where you're taking her? -No. 38 00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:46,857 Do you need a list of my sexiest date spots? 39 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:49,401 It's been a while for you. Want me to stretch you out? 40 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,028 It's not a date, Schmidt. 41 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,446 Actually, I don't know what it is. 42 00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:54,823 She's, uh... She's a little hard to read. 43 00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:57,618 Wouldn't it be funny if we, like, went out? Like... 44 00:01:57,701 --> 00:01:59,453 -Do you want to go on a date? -Yeah. 45 00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:03,248 We, like, go for dinner, and, like, the two of us, like, do stuff. 46 00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:05,000 -Is that a yes? -I know, right? 47 00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:06,877 -Seriously, wanna get dinner... -No, I know. 48 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,506 Sometimes she's so ironic that I think she's being serious. 49 00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:14,551 I get it. Led Zeppelin is classic, but I mean, it's no, like, Steve Miller Band. 50 00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,595 (CHUCKLING) Steve Miller Band? The Joker? 51 00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:24,603 Oh, yeah. No, I love The Steve Miller Band. 52 00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:27,147 Okay, look. You've been out of the game for a while. 53 00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:29,691 I have three date packages. They work every time. 54 00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:33,153 Package A, close-up magic, dinner, drinks. 55 00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:36,615 Package B, close-up magic, drinks. 56 00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,242 Package C... 57 00:02:39,743 --> 00:02:40,786 Close-up magic. 58 00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,579 You have a date? Fun! 59 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,456 I want to talk to you guys about this stuff. 60 00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:45,541 With Amanda. 61 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,167 -Schmidt. -Amanda? 62 00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:49,127 From the bar? Whoa! 63 00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:50,295 She's a looker. 64 00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:51,839 Hatchie-matchie! 65 00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,590 Yeah, I know how hot she is, Jess. 66 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,551 Have you been out with anyone since Caroline? 67 00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:56,635 No. 68 00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:59,429 Whoa! Big-deal alert. 69 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,265 Scary stuff, kids. 70 00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:02,599 Yeesh! 71 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,893 Falling rocks. Bridge out. Duck! 72 00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:06,228 This is why I don't talk to you. 73 00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:08,438 Nick, you're gonna be fine. Don't worry about it. 74 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:09,940 Just, you know, suck in the gut. 75 00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:12,609 What gut? 76 00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:14,820 The little pooch where you keep your extra cookies. 77 00:03:19,116 --> 00:03:20,117 (EXHALES) 78 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,459 (EXHALES) 79 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:33,630 (SIGHS) 80 00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:36,800 All right. 81 00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,011 (STEREO CLICKS ON) 82 00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:40,429 (SIGHS) 83 00:03:40,512 --> 00:03:42,181 (REGGAE SONG PLAYING) 84 00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:47,269 Well, you say with this riddim you have a patch? 85 00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:49,813 Yellowman mend it 86 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:53,483 And if you haffi done mend it Me set it 87 00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:58,447 Zungguzungguguzungguzeng 88 00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:00,616 Zungguzunggugu-zungguzeng 89 00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:03,702 Seh if yuh have a paper yuh must have a pen 90 00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:06,496 And if yuh have a start yuh must have a end 91 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:09,374 Seh five plus five, it equal to 10 92 00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:10,709 And if yuh have goat... 93 00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:12,711 SCHMIDT: I had a lot of adventures in this room 94 00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:14,755 while you were gone, Winston. 95 00:04:14,838 --> 00:04:16,632 (SIGHS) How'd the job interview go? 96 00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:18,383 You know, terrible. 97 00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:21,261 Did you see the JWoww retweet and Gaga Twitpic? 98 00:04:23,472 --> 00:04:25,849 I know Word, and I can open a document... 99 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:30,062 Save it... (CHUCKLES) Save as, print, 100 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:31,647 print preview... 101 00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:34,566 She just wanted to chitchat about stuff I've never even heard of. 102 00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:35,943 You gotta get up to speed, man. 103 00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:37,528 The chitchat is the interview. 104 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:40,280 I've spent the last two years of my life in Latvia. 105 00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:42,783 I was playing ball year round. I didn't read the news. 106 00:04:42,866 --> 00:04:44,701 I have no idea what happened in America. 107 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:47,162 I've got interviews tomorrow. Fill me in. What'd I miss? 108 00:04:47,246 --> 00:04:48,789 From... From the past two years? 109 00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:50,582 -Give me the highlights. -Highlights. Okay. 110 00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:52,334 -Uh, country's broke. -Mmm-hmm. 111 00:04:53,085 --> 00:04:54,586 Betty White's back. 112 00:04:54,670 --> 00:04:57,172 Oh, cool, cool. What about the rest of The Golden Girls? 113 00:04:58,090 --> 00:04:59,132 All dead, man. 114 00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:03,846 Damn. You know what? Give me your computer. 115 00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:06,014 I gotta get started, man. I'm going in. 116 00:05:06,098 --> 00:05:08,350 (SONG CONTINUES PLAYING) Lady Ann a yuh so take fe toy 117 00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,894 Playgal all dem call him joy 118 00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:13,605 Yuh nuh fe call Yellowman nuh bwoy 119 00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:16,692 Yuh nuh fe call John John nuh bwoy 120 00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:19,486 Yuh nuh fe take I and I fe bwoy 121 00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:21,405 Zungguzungguguzungguzeng 122 00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:22,489 Watch it! 123 00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:24,491 It is what it is. 124 00:05:24,575 --> 00:05:28,203 Zungguzungguguzungguzeng... 125 00:05:28,287 --> 00:05:31,164 Hey, Nick, can you turn down that music? 126 00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:33,041 'Ca Yellowman make yuh feel so fine 127 00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:36,378 Me chat all me lyric Me chat dem in a rhyme 128 00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:39,882 Me nuh eat lime it full of a rhyme... 129 00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:41,508 Hey, Nick, can you... 130 00:05:42,301 --> 00:05:45,012 -What... What are you... -(GIGGLY SCREAM) 131 00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:48,557 Oh, my God! 132 00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:57,357 Look at you. You're like an animal. 133 00:05:57,441 --> 00:05:58,442 What are you watching now? 134 00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,611 The King's Speech and Human Centipede. 135 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:04,656 Next up, Precious and David After Dentist. 136 00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:06,491 -I think you're doing a good job. -Test me. 137 00:06:06,575 --> 00:06:09,745 Pretend this is an interview. Hit me with the chitchat. Ask me anything. 138 00:06:09,828 --> 00:06:10,954 Chitchat. Let's go. 139 00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:13,373 -Forget it. -Let's go! What are you waiting for, man? 140 00:06:13,457 --> 00:06:14,750 You're getting intense right now. 141 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:17,002 -You're the intense one. -You need to bring it down. 142 00:06:17,085 --> 00:06:19,421 (CLEARS THROAT) Can I talk to you for a sec? 143 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,381 Something's happened. 144 00:06:21,757 --> 00:06:24,009 It was totally an accident. 145 00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:25,844 Not a big deal. 146 00:06:25,928 --> 00:06:28,931 I just want to do the mature thing and come clean about it. 147 00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:33,060 But, um, I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee. 148 00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:34,436 -What? -What'd she say? 149 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:38,982 I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee and his bubbles. 150 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,109 -(SIGHS) -But it's not a big deal. 151 00:06:41,193 --> 00:06:42,194 Ain't no thing. 152 00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:43,820 -(DOOR OPENS) -Ain't no thaaang. 153 00:06:44,988 --> 00:06:47,491 -Oh, Nick, hey. -Hey. 154 00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:50,452 So, that was weird, right? 155 00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:51,745 I'm running out the door, Jess. 156 00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:53,372 I think we should talk about it. 157 00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:54,456 Talk about what? 158 00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,167 About me seeing... 159 00:06:57,835 --> 00:06:59,378 Your peen. 160 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,007 (COCKNEY ACCENT) The peen what I saw. 161 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,677 (FRENCH ACCENT) Bonjour, le peen. 162 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:07,761 You're blocking the door. 163 00:07:07,845 --> 00:07:10,806 Okay. Cool. Have fun on your date. 164 00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,975 Tell that guy to behave. (LAUGHS) 165 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:16,770 -The adventure begins. -Okay. Excuse me, Jess. 166 00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:21,066 (GROANING) 167 00:07:24,653 --> 00:07:27,281 That was so horrible. 168 00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:30,909 What am I gonna do? He's never gonna speak to me again. I'm so embarrassed. 169 00:07:30,993 --> 00:07:33,912 It's not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times. 170 00:07:33,996 --> 00:07:35,205 You have? 171 00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:37,165 I mean...how? 172 00:07:37,249 --> 00:07:39,793 We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, 173 00:07:39,877 --> 00:07:42,337 -penis fights... It just happens. -Why haven't I seen it? 174 00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:45,132 -Why do you want to see it? -He's my best friend. 175 00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:48,010 Again, why do you want to see it? 176 00:07:48,093 --> 00:07:51,305 What if Nick gets into an accident? What if he's horribly disfigured, 177 00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:55,517 and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts? 178 00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:59,563 And I'm standing there and I'm saying, "Sorry, Officer, I can't help you, 179 00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,107 "because no, I haven't seen his penis." 180 00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:04,151 And then boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave. 181 00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:06,945 Again, why do you want to see it? 182 00:08:07,029 --> 00:08:09,031 -What did it look like? -What do you mean? 183 00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:10,282 Just say when. 184 00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:11,533 Just sa... Serious... 185 00:08:11,617 --> 00:08:13,702 Seriously? Are you se... Are you serious? 186 00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:16,038 (CHUCKLING) Okay, you know what, this is impossible. 187 00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:17,372 I'm starting over. 188 00:08:18,457 --> 00:08:20,209 Schmidt, I need your help. 189 00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:23,253 Okay... All right, Jess, fine. 190 00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:24,838 What happened after you walked in? 191 00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:27,174 I don't know. I kind of laughed. 192 00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:31,178 Jess, you can't laugh at a naked man, and especially Nick. 193 00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:34,056 Nick is delicate, like a flower. 194 00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:36,475 Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself. 195 00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:40,270 Now, listen to me. You're gonna act like this never happened. 196 00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:42,439 We live together. We're a family. 197 00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:44,149 Families talk about things. 198 00:08:44,233 --> 00:08:47,069 No. Families ignore things until they go away. 199 00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:50,822 Hey, Mom. Hey, Mom. Hey, Mom. I'm a bunny, Mom. Mom! 200 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:54,284 Mom, Mom, Mom. I'm a bunny, Mom. Mom! 201 00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,620 No one wants to talk about their feelings, Jess. 202 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,247 Never talk about this again. 203 00:08:58,330 --> 00:09:00,374 Okay. I'll ignore it. 204 00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:02,876 (SINGING) I'm not gonna talk about... 205 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:03,961 Or sing about it. 206 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,254 (CONTINUES SINGING) The bing-bong 207 00:09:05,337 --> 00:09:06,338 I'm done. 208 00:09:07,381 --> 00:09:09,132 This is my... My chambre. 209 00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,760 -(BOTH LAUGH) -What does that mean? 210 00:09:12,302 --> 00:09:14,847 You're a good kisser. 211 00:09:14,930 --> 00:09:16,765 (CHUCKLES) Can we... Can we be serious? 212 00:09:16,849 --> 00:09:18,141 Do you mind just being serious? 213 00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,643 I'm gonna get serious, on your face. 214 00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,103 (BOTH LAUGHING) 215 00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:23,939 -I have no idea what that means. -(LAUGHING) 216 00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:26,191 Actually, let's not laugh when you're near my penis. 217 00:09:27,025 --> 00:09:28,110 Take it off. 218 00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:30,821 Here, just take your shirt off. 219 00:09:31,154 --> 00:09:32,739 (MUSIC PLAYING) 220 00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:41,456 Can't... 221 00:09:41,874 --> 00:09:43,250 Here. Do... 222 00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:44,668 Do you want me to go first? 223 00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:47,588 You're offering just to take your... Oh, my God! 224 00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,048 Look at you. 225 00:09:50,716 --> 00:09:52,426 Take off your clothes now. 226 00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:06,690 President Obama. 227 00:10:07,441 --> 00:10:08,859 Yeah, I like him to watch over me. 228 00:10:10,194 --> 00:10:13,780 Do you, like, want to take it slow...or something? 229 00:10:16,909 --> 00:10:19,411 -This is nice. -Yeah. 230 00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:23,248 MAN: (ON VIDEO) It's starting to even look like a triple rainbow. 231 00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:26,001 Oh, my God, it's full-on! 232 00:10:29,171 --> 00:10:30,172 Hi, Nick. 233 00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:33,509 So I guess your date went well. 234 00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:36,011 Sleepover party. 235 00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:41,183 I have something from school that, um... Made me think of you. 236 00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,400 It's a Feeling Stick. 237 00:10:51,193 --> 00:10:53,529 Whoever's holding a Feeling Stick has permission to say 238 00:10:53,612 --> 00:10:55,906 whatever he or she is feeling without being judged. 239 00:10:56,365 --> 00:10:57,866 I'll go first. Um... 240 00:10:57,950 --> 00:11:02,704 I feel like I want to know what you're feeling. 241 00:11:12,631 --> 00:11:14,424 Believe it or not... (CHUCKLES) 242 00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:18,262 That's not the first time someone's broken my Feeling Stick. 243 00:11:22,099 --> 00:11:24,101 -I have a travel size. -No. 244 00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:26,103 -Mmm-mmm. -Nick, wait! 245 00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:29,606 Nick, we have to talk about this. 246 00:11:30,691 --> 00:11:32,317 What are you doing? 247 00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:35,028 I'm sorry I saw your doojer and your chickadees. 248 00:11:35,112 --> 00:11:36,822 And I didn't mean to laugh. I just... 249 00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,282 Then why did you laugh? 250 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:40,367 Is there something funny about it? 251 00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:41,535 No. 252 00:11:42,077 --> 00:11:43,203 Beautiful. 253 00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:44,830 Stately. 254 00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:46,206 -A real treat. -(ELEVATOR DINGS) 255 00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:47,457 Oh, my God. 256 00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:54,381 (WHISPERING) I think it's great you dance naked to Jamaican music. 257 00:11:54,464 --> 00:11:55,883 That's really cool. 258 00:11:55,966 --> 00:11:59,052 -You should explore your sexuality. -(ELEVATOR DINGS) 259 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,306 -Nick? -Excuse me. 260 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,559 Come on, Nick. I dance naked all the time. 261 00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:07,936 We have to talk about this. 262 00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,648 Ugh! Nick! 263 00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:15,027 (SIGHS) 264 00:12:16,153 --> 00:12:17,154 (DINGS) 265 00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:18,655 (GROANS) 266 00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:22,284 Nick, please talk to me. 267 00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:23,785 Jess, there's nothing to talk about. 268 00:12:23,869 --> 00:12:25,329 You ruined my date. 269 00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,915 Every time I tried to take my clothes off, Jess, 270 00:12:27,998 --> 00:12:30,083 I heard your little... (IMITATES JESS'S CACKLE) 271 00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:31,877 Your little crazy giggle scream. 272 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,796 And all I want to do is have meaningless sex 273 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:38,800 with a beautiful woman who, yes, talks in mind-bending riddles. 274 00:12:38,884 --> 00:12:42,387 But I can't, because I can't get your little... 275 00:12:42,471 --> 00:12:45,849 -(SCREAMING CACKLE) Out of my head. -(ELEVATOR DINGS) 276 00:12:48,519 --> 00:12:50,646 Well, maybe you don't want to have meaningless sex. 277 00:12:50,729 --> 00:12:53,565 -Maybe that's not your style. -I have a bing-bong and chickadees. 278 00:12:53,649 --> 00:12:55,275 It is my style. 279 00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:57,986 Stop following me. 280 00:12:58,070 --> 00:12:59,530 Then stop running away from me. 281 00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:01,281 I just want to have a mature conversation. 282 00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:02,866 How can we have a mature conversation 283 00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:04,826 when you can't even say the word "penis"? 284 00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:07,037 I can say the word "pen..." 285 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,622 -Say it. -I... 286 00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,624 (SIGHS) Yernyas. 287 00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:12,709 -What? -Peernis. 288 00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:13,794 You said peernis. 289 00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:15,796 (SINGING) Penis. 290 00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:16,964 Not singing. 291 00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:19,132 (DEEP VOICE) Penis. 292 00:13:19,216 --> 00:13:20,342 Not like a ghoul. 293 00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:22,886 (CHUCKLING) I... I can say it! 294 00:13:24,513 --> 00:13:26,557 -Pianist. -No, you said "pianist." 295 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,892 -Enispay! -Not pig Latin. 296 00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:30,686 -Peernis. -Okay, not in Swedish. 297 00:13:30,769 --> 00:13:32,187 -Pemo. -Not in fake Italian. 298 00:13:32,271 --> 00:13:34,314 (SHRIEKING) Penis! 299 00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,399 Shut up! 300 00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:38,694 -Say it with me. Pe... -Pe... 301 00:13:38,777 --> 00:13:40,654 ...nis. ...neers. 302 00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:42,531 Yeah, I'm the one that's immature. 303 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:44,241 (NICK SIGHS) 304 00:13:48,787 --> 00:13:49,788 (SNIFFS) 305 00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:54,751 -Hey, man. -Ahhh! 306 00:13:54,835 --> 00:13:56,253 I'm the only one who hasn't seen it. 307 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:57,838 -What? -Just the gun. 308 00:13:58,547 --> 00:14:00,007 -No. -Just the roses. 309 00:14:00,090 --> 00:14:02,676 -What? -Just the hub, where it connects. 310 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,428 -Get out. -Fine! 311 00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:06,930 -I thought we were best friends. -We are. 312 00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:08,182 Apparently not. 313 00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:11,977 -Best friends don't do this, Schmidt. -They do it all the time. 314 00:14:15,439 --> 00:14:17,983 -You laughed? -Yeah, I couldn't help it. 315 00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:20,277 Did you freak out and make that noise? 316 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,321 What? I don't always make a noise. 317 00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:25,908 (GIGGLES, CACKLES) 318 00:14:27,618 --> 00:14:31,246 Fine. I guess I missed the moment when everybody got cool about sex. 319 00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:35,459 I really messed up. 320 00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:37,461 Ah, guys are simple. 321 00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:39,796 You know what I would do? I would just make it even. 322 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:42,216 You've seen his, show him yours. 323 00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:44,218 (SIGHS) No. 324 00:14:44,301 --> 00:14:46,011 I can't do that. 325 00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:47,971 Hey, Winston. 326 00:14:48,639 --> 00:14:49,806 Oh, no. 327 00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:51,391 Oh, man. The interview? 328 00:14:51,475 --> 00:14:55,229 -Did you mess up? -No, I didn't mess up. 329 00:14:55,312 --> 00:14:56,939 Killed it. I was amazing. 330 00:14:57,022 --> 00:15:00,901 At one point, I was on the outside of my body watching myself be amazing. 331 00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:02,986 -That's a good thing, right? -The woman asked me 332 00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,113 why I wanted to sell medical supplies. 333 00:15:05,489 --> 00:15:06,657 I had no answer. 334 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:11,620 I've done anything but play basketball my entire life. 335 00:15:11,703 --> 00:15:14,039 "Winston Bishop is an American basketball player 336 00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:18,836 "who played professionally in Latvia, and he loves ducks." 337 00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:21,880 Winston, did you write the part about the ducks? 338 00:15:22,381 --> 00:15:25,259 -I don't even like ducks that much, man. -Oh, okay. Look, man. 339 00:15:25,342 --> 00:15:27,928 You got to get off Wikipedia, all right? You're going crazy. 340 00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:30,556 I was the guy who was good enough to play in Latvia. 341 00:15:30,639 --> 00:15:31,640 (SCHMIDT SIGHS) 342 00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:34,935 And then one day, I don't know, man, I just lost it. 343 00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:37,396 They found another black guy. (SCOFFS) 344 00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:40,023 Labak melno virietis. 345 00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:42,442 -Means "The better black guy." -A better melno? 346 00:15:42,526 --> 00:15:44,486 -You're the best melno. -I don't know, man. 347 00:15:44,570 --> 00:15:46,029 I just don't know what comes next. 348 00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:47,614 You know what you do next? Get up. 349 00:15:47,698 --> 00:15:48,824 Let's get up. Come on, buddy. 350 00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:51,952 We'll get you out of the house, get you moving. It's gonna feel good. 351 00:15:52,035 --> 00:15:54,079 Whoo! This feels good. 352 00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:56,081 (OUT OF BREATH) Totally. I love it. 353 00:15:56,540 --> 00:15:59,001 You know, I think I was just scared, man. 354 00:15:59,084 --> 00:16:01,211 I've been playing basketball my whole entire life. 355 00:16:01,295 --> 00:16:02,504 What if I was wasting my time? 356 00:16:02,588 --> 00:16:04,923 Maybe I should have been figuring out my life like you. 357 00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:06,884 (LAUGHS) I don't have anything figured out. 358 00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,719 I'm a fully-grown man with roommates. 359 00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:10,971 I have a stupid job. I'm single. 360 00:16:11,054 --> 00:16:12,973 My best friend won't even let me see his penis. 361 00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:16,685 I mean, my whole life is a sham. (GROANS) 362 00:16:16,768 --> 00:16:18,770 I actually feel a lot better. 363 00:16:18,854 --> 00:16:21,023 -Thanks, Schmidt. -(GASPING) 364 00:16:21,106 --> 00:16:22,566 Winston, my legs! 365 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,359 -Schmidt? -My legs are seizing up. 366 00:16:24,443 --> 00:16:26,570 -Schmidt! -I hate my life. I hate my... 367 00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:29,698 Making new discoveries. I'm a fear-based person, apparently. 368 00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:31,325 Stop it. Go. I need a... 369 00:16:31,408 --> 00:16:33,327 Give me a hug, please. 911. 370 00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:34,870 Ow. Ow. 371 00:16:39,082 --> 00:16:40,167 Hey. 372 00:16:40,501 --> 00:16:41,502 Hey. 373 00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:43,754 I'm sorry about last night, Amanda. 374 00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:46,548 So you're... You're, like, super into cuddling. 375 00:16:46,924 --> 00:16:49,176 No, I'm not super into cuddling. 376 00:16:49,801 --> 00:16:52,804 I'm just getting out of a relationship, and I think I got nervous. 377 00:16:54,389 --> 00:16:59,019 I've heard that I'm not great at talking about what I'm feeling all the time, 378 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,939 and so I'm sorry about last night. 379 00:17:02,356 --> 00:17:03,482 Honesty. 380 00:17:05,526 --> 00:17:06,652 I like that. 381 00:17:14,618 --> 00:17:15,619 (SIGHS) 382 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:16,954 (DOOR SLAMS) 383 00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:22,793 -NICK: Really nice. -(AMANDA CHUCKLING) 384 00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:24,169 AMANDA: Oh, yeah? 385 00:17:27,631 --> 00:17:28,882 NICK: Here we go. 386 00:17:28,966 --> 00:17:30,634 AMANDA: Oh, yeah! NICK: You're so hot. 387 00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,302 I can't believe you're into me. 388 00:17:32,386 --> 00:17:34,263 -BOTH: Okay. -(AMANDA PANTING) 389 00:17:34,346 --> 00:17:35,806 -Yeah. -All right. Wow. 390 00:17:35,889 --> 00:17:37,599 -AMANDA: Yeah. -Oh, wow, this is happening. 391 00:17:37,683 --> 00:17:40,060 -Take off your pants. Take off your pants! -Okay, okay. 392 00:17:40,143 --> 00:17:41,895 -Take your pants off. -Take them off? 393 00:17:41,979 --> 00:17:43,605 -Yeah. Take them off. -You want me to? 394 00:17:43,689 --> 00:17:45,691 -Okay. Want me to take these off? -Yeah. 395 00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:47,401 -Lights on, pants off. Here we go. -Okay. 396 00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:48,861 -Okay. -Okay. 397 00:17:48,944 --> 00:17:51,363 NICK: Oh, I'm totally cool with this. (LAUGHS) 398 00:17:51,864 --> 00:17:54,199 -Yeah. -(EXHALES) Okay. All right. 399 00:17:54,283 --> 00:17:55,993 -Good. (CHUCKLES) -Okay. 400 00:17:58,287 --> 00:17:59,496 (SHOUTING) What are you doing? 401 00:17:59,580 --> 00:18:01,748 (SHOUTING) What is... Who is that? 402 00:18:01,832 --> 00:18:04,459 (JESS AND AMANDA SCREAMING) 403 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,254 NICK: What are you doing? 404 00:18:11,967 --> 00:18:16,013 Hi. I'm Jess. Welcome to our home. 405 00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:18,640 (DOOR SLAMS) 406 00:18:22,311 --> 00:18:24,354 We live in a world with rules. 407 00:18:24,897 --> 00:18:26,940 We knock. We have doors. 408 00:18:27,024 --> 00:18:29,818 And we knock on those doors. 409 00:18:29,902 --> 00:18:31,820 -I'm sorry, Nick. -Just knock! 410 00:18:31,904 --> 00:18:33,113 (NICK SIGHS) 411 00:18:36,909 --> 00:18:39,161 Nick... I... 412 00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:41,288 -Put that down. -But we have to talk... 413 00:18:41,371 --> 00:18:42,623 Nothing to talk about. 414 00:18:45,584 --> 00:18:49,379 I feel that Nick is not honoring the Feeling Stick. 415 00:18:52,508 --> 00:18:54,343 I feel me, too. 416 00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:59,097 I feel Schmidt's had a particularly bad day, 417 00:18:59,181 --> 00:19:02,434 and I feel that if Nick is truly Schmidt's friend, 418 00:19:02,518 --> 00:19:04,561 he would show Schmidt what's in his pants. 419 00:19:06,188 --> 00:19:07,356 I feel supported. 420 00:19:07,439 --> 00:19:10,400 (SHOUTING) What is going on with you two? 421 00:19:10,484 --> 00:19:11,818 What are you doing? 422 00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:14,488 I feel Nick is yelling. 423 00:19:14,571 --> 00:19:15,739 Stop it! 424 00:19:17,032 --> 00:19:18,116 (DOOR SLAMS) 425 00:19:19,868 --> 00:19:24,248 Yo. I just wanted to thank you for taking me running. 426 00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:26,041 Made me feel a lot better. 427 00:19:26,124 --> 00:19:29,795 Now, I might not have a job or anything, but at least I can run a mile. (CHUCKLES) 428 00:19:29,878 --> 00:19:33,173 I mean, watching you try to run, yeah, that was just pathetic. 429 00:19:33,257 --> 00:19:34,258 I needed that. 430 00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:36,593 I suffer from exercise-induced asthma. 431 00:19:36,677 --> 00:19:38,387 Do you suffer from exercise-induced crying? 432 00:19:38,470 --> 00:19:40,889 It's a real thing, man, okay? EIA. 433 00:19:40,973 --> 00:19:43,016 You know what I learned from the Internet? 434 00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:44,852 We got nothing to worry about. 435 00:19:45,227 --> 00:19:47,271 Everybody has their moment. 436 00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:50,399 We might get a cat one day. That cat might play the keyboard. 437 00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:52,067 A bear might fall on our trampoline. 438 00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:54,528 We don't need to have it figured out right now. 439 00:19:55,946 --> 00:19:57,364 Our moments will come. 440 00:19:59,491 --> 00:20:00,659 SCHMIDT: Hey, man. 441 00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:02,995 Let's keep bro'ing out. 442 00:20:03,787 --> 00:20:04,955 (KNOCK AT DOOR) 443 00:20:05,706 --> 00:20:06,707 Come in. 444 00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:11,128 Jess, you don't have to knock once you're in the room. 445 00:20:14,548 --> 00:20:16,008 I worked on something for you. 446 00:20:16,592 --> 00:20:17,759 All right. 447 00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:21,847 Penis. 448 00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:24,766 Very good. 449 00:20:25,142 --> 00:20:26,143 Thank you. 450 00:20:26,727 --> 00:20:28,353 Um, so did Amanda call you back? 451 00:20:28,437 --> 00:20:29,980 No, I don't see Amanda calling me back. 452 00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:31,064 I'm sorry. 453 00:20:31,565 --> 00:20:33,275 It's okay. Maybe you were right. 454 00:20:33,358 --> 00:20:36,361 Maybe I'm not ready for meaningless sex with beautiful women. 455 00:20:37,571 --> 00:20:39,281 Well, you know, maybe when you are, 456 00:20:39,364 --> 00:20:42,576 you'll be able to show her your other penis. 457 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:44,411 Your heart penis. 458 00:20:44,494 --> 00:20:46,121 -Get out of my room. -Okay. 459 00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:48,207 Hey, um... (LAUGHS) 460 00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:54,838 When I was, um, leaving in a hurry, um, did you see... 461 00:20:56,757 --> 00:20:57,758 Everything? 462 00:20:58,217 --> 00:20:59,218 Yup. 463 00:20:59,843 --> 00:21:02,346 Even my...gumbo pot? 464 00:21:02,888 --> 00:21:05,390 Ugh! Gumbo pot? Get out. 465 00:21:05,849 --> 00:21:07,017 (DOOR CLOSES) 466 00:21:16,693 --> 00:21:17,945 (SHOWER RUNNING) 467 00:21:20,197 --> 00:21:21,490 Get out, Schmidt. 468 00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:23,867 SCHMIDT: I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.